Finding Your Natural Power

"But why didn't that bother you and aren't you going to say something?", a friend recently asked me. He was referring to a negative comment he'd heard about me. He said he thought I needed to know but my question is, was this feeding his need to protect me or his need to gossip? This conversation and a more recent one I've followed on Linkedin to do with the abuse of power are nudging me to write more. 

If we are looking into how we judge others and/or an abuse of power then we need to look to ourselves first. Everything starts with self. We need to look honestly at our sense of self, of self-worth, of belonging and acceptance in the world and, most critically our self acceptance. If we are judging others or gossiping about them, could this be happening?

That thing in you I'm judging is that thing in me I just don't want to look at.

There is only one thing in the world we have absolute power to change - our SELF. 

When we choose to become a part of another's story, to become embroiled in another's drama, or even to think we have a say in that drama, we give away personal power to fuel the insurgence. This is our choice to make but knowing we've made that choice isn't always apparent depending on our level of self awareness. For instance, a previous me with little self awareness might have reacted to that comment with a defending attitude or an apology for 'upsetting' someone. She might have taken it personally; made it real or all about her. 

"What you think of me is none of my business."

Terry Cole Whittaker

Opinions are only ever about those who express them. You can notice how they make you feel (that's your bit to work on) but don't take them personally, just respect another's viewpoint because no one truly has the power to upset us. We do this to ourselves in the way we filter and understand information. 

When we make apologies for being who we are or adjust our behaviour accordingly, we allow another to define us; when we defer to their judgment of us and become the thing they want us to be, we have to lose our self in the process. "You always embarrass me", is all about the other person - it could even be a need to control their world. Respecting their need and understanding what drives it is where adult relationships can blossom. Appreciating another's difference while standing firmly in who you are isn't easy.

To add contrast, it is our human need to belong to a group or family. This need is a key driver of conditional acceptance because for us to belong, we have to adapt...or do we?

To belong successfully, it's important to keep a hold of who you are and to afford that respect to others. It is our difference that can cause conflict because difference is often seen as better, worse, greater or smaller than me. We are different and your difference enriches me.

In life, dealing with our differences is not about control. The only thing we can control is ourselves. 

Power is not a tool. It is an empowered state of being that respects life and upholds difference without judgment.

With love - Cx