Was I Looking in the Right Direction?

When I left the corporate world 3 years ago, was I dreaming big enough? Could I have imagined where I would get to and, most importantly, could I have anticipated the blind terror I was throwing myself into. "No" to all three.

And it's funny because just before I left, one of my employer's clients said to me, "don't be surprised if your clients don't come from where you think they're gonna come from." This tiny little sentence has stuck with me this last three years like comforting glue - binding me back together when nothing else made sense. Thank you Leslie.

I had a plan when I left (yes, I'm still chuckling at this one); I even had my first client lined up and I genuinely believed being a business trainer was my future. I couldn't have been more wrong and what I couldn't see was that I was actually throwing myself deeply into my purpose; my raison d'etre was rumbling up inside me and I wanted to turn and run.

And hindsight is the only perfect science.

My thinking was small. I know that now. I knew I needed to get my...had...to get my voice out somehow and business training was going to be the vehicle. This was going to be easy, I was already a good trainer, I enjoyed the work, loved the travel and the fees were amazing. What's not to love? Would things have been different if I'd asked myself "is this too easy Chrissy?" Who knows.

Year one didn't turn out the way I saw it happening. It felt too difficult and I could hear myself moaning a lot. I could feel the tension of the unknown and the fear of failure - my nameless dread - greeting me every morning, squashing me flat and killing my joy. This curve was going to continue as long as I stayed resistant to a truer calling; as long as I tried to stay in the shallows of being a service provider in the corporate world. I was stubborn, fearful and definitely conning myself. I made the journey paralysingly painful as I kept driving at this wall called 'business trainer', all the time keeping a deeper more poignant voice hidden.

At the same time something new was appearing on my radar and bringing with it some deep learning. It's only now I see how the military brought the issue of transition into my life at a time when I was wrestling with my own self inflicted transition. The military was also bringing trauma and a 'heads up' that I needed to get ready to do my deepest work to date.

And hindsight is the only perfect science.

This phase was tough. The toughest so far. I was questioning everything, tearing down illusion, finding my authentic truth. I was becoming truly independent as I tamed my craving for the 'security' of having a full time job and learned to walk my own path, alone.

In October 2014 I was invited to become a Director of a fairly new social enterprise working with ex-military, trauma and transition. I couldn't have seen this coming when I left my job not two months earlier and suddenly, three very large jigsaw pieces dropped into place. I am a daughter and grand daughter of the army (transition is my middle name), I am an experienced facilitator and a qualified therapist specialising in trauma. Holy crap - have I found my niche? How did I not see this coming?

And hindsight is the only perfect science.

The social enterprise was called Unload and my task was to 'transition' it out of concept and into delivery. By early 2015 we were doing outreach and delivering residential workshops for ex servicemen (and their partners). Even with the joy of this new adventure, I still found it tough; this phase of my life was called 'determined and poor' but what I learned above all was that my puny little brain had no idea what was still to come.

Jumping to now and I have a successful private counselling practice, am still with Unload and loving it and.....get ready for it..........am a business trainer!! Yes, that went away and came back because the work needed to change. What I deliver now is much deeper; I wasn't being brave enough before - my core work now is around emotional health and mental well being; it's team building without the jargon or it's a brew and a natter with a minority group. 

Hindsight really is the only perfect science. It's how I learn. Only by looking back in the cool light of day can I see how it all makes sense. So, if a big jump is on your cards, if you really feel the pull - respond and trust. And if you don't feel deeply uncomfortable in the process, you're doing it wrong!

My three year transition is done and ongoing and both are true. Always learning; always growing. 

Leaving you with a love so deep and a trust so defiant I simply no longer need to know. I step forward and the ground is there and I know I'm exactly where I need to be at any given time. After all, who am I to question a system so intelligent it put me here in the first place! And I am but a speck of dust. x

"Awakening to your true nature is like a gentle hurricane. You have no idea where it started or how it found you. You just wake up one day in the burning heart of paradox and realise that you are not a mere guardian or administrator of your life, but your own Co-Founder, CEO and Chief Executive Creator. Nobody, nothing owns you anymore."

Andrea Bolt