Agitating the Ordering Principle

Staring into the blank white open space and pausing while words form. It's been a long pause between posts lately and the pauses between seem to get longer and longer. Not because there are no words forming; there are too many to capture.


Life feels condensed; a day in a minute; an hour in a second and I can see it, sense it, feel it all. A full-on life and six months of systemic change, pushing me through the eye of a needle, abrading my every cell until I hurt where there is no physical me; where I am without form.

And my oldest, deepest wound, finally healed. My baby girl set free to roam through her innocence once more, toes wet in damp grass, hands gleefully open as fingers outstretch, convinced she can catch that butterfly.

And letting go. Ah, letting go; the new best friend. To let go on a scale not yet experienced has proved to be a very wise and bloody difficult move indeed. Letting go of what? Of hopes, plans, dreams and seeds, all stubbornly dropped with nothing making sense as I understand this life to be.

And looking for a new way to say 'resistant, stubborn, defiant',  I go to thesaurus and today's word reaches straight out to me. Love that synergy.

26

APR

perfidious

per-fid-ee-uh s adjective

1:deliberately faithless; treacherous; deceitful:

Letting go - to be deliberately faithless. To commit treason and to deceive the ego mind; to willingly fall into utter hopelessness and it hurt like hell; it broke me.

And here's the thing; here's what I learned (or the peak of all that I've learned these last 6 months) when I let go of what my ego project thinks it wants, let go of how that looks and feels to me until I am without a path, a purpose, a mission, a plan or an objective, weird things start to happen. Life breaks through. Not a planned, considered life where I can tick boxes cos that thing I wanted has now come true and that makes me 'successful'; no. It's a life I couldn't have imagined appearing out of nowhere, I raise an eyebrow and go with the flow to see where it leads me; no plan; no 'win' objective; nothing. Responding passively in this way isn't easy living in this 'win/fail = worthy/worthless' paradigm. Where striving to seek my destiny is the accepted norm.

The Ordering Principle - Vision | Plan | Achieve

Responding passively is difficult for a girl who comes from a survival based, goal driven, budget managing corporate background; from someone who raised two children alone holding down a full time job and studying at college; this girl makes plans, has objectives and letting go of this old programming has been the toughest let-go to date. My inner fake is exposed. That seeker of compliant perfection coming through the fear of non-acceptance has had her day. She is over, obsolete, debunked and "what you think of me is none of my business" (Terry Cole-Whittaker).

And what of here and now?

I've let go of what I'd claimed as my purpose and (after a long and very stubborn wriggle) that's been the most freeing feeling. Now anything can happen. Becoming passive, responsive, willing, devoted is where now is.

Passivity is not apathy; it requires action, strength and courage. It flies in the face of this fast paced, action=results driven world. It looks disengaged in the eyes of others but it is deeply engaged. It is deeply observing.

...And I'm open to being wrong about everything I think I know!

With love
Chrissy x